I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
mentally somewhere in italy
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.