ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!