Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Uh oh…
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation