Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?