me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.