Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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“Why you watching this shit?”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.