Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
TODAY
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.