I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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Breaking news:
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I already tried new things thanks.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
put ‘er there pardner!
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
found this cool rock hiking today
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.