ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.