PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”