*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Every work call, he judges.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
yall want some gasoline milk
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant