“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Sounds like a bargain
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
kitchen magnet
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Noah was an idiot.