Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Harsh but fair
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.