Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.