One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Doggies just call it style.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.