If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work