Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*


LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up


If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank


When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.


my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:


damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.


*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.