Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes