10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I ate everything, including the H.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.