Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.