interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!