Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
sin harder.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.