[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
You Might Also Like
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
This kinda thing happens to me often