Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
TODAY
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?