Kentucky names the shit out of places
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.