my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.