I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.