*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
At least try to make it slightly believable
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
liiiiiiiiike
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.