I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.