Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
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[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”