why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I think they could have phrased this better
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️