ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.