Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

@shanethevein

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@CMGaldre

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

@Hormonella

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

@TwistdidMind

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

@adamgreattweet

what kind of cook setting is this??

@clichedout

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@TheToddWilliams

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!