I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.