– First day of College
– Dorm meeting
Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
what kind of cook setting is this??
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.