[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Wait a second…
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!