6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”