When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Its true…
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD