An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
hey, alexa
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
new shirt idea
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.