[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.