United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Matt Goss
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer