Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
me 2 months after i graduated
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
ugh not again
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.