My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.