me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them