Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.