My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.