A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.