My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
<- sleeps well with others
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Gods work.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.