my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
fired
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Dead sexy!!
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?