Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I missed you with all my darts
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.