You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Netflix and you sit over there.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.