Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.