YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I mean…but I did
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.